She was brave to give her heart to love again, especially after all the damage it had caused. -RH Fowler
Today would have been our sixteenth anniversary. This is my third without him. Today’s anniversary feels much the same as the last two, but also very different. This was a time of celebration for our family. We used this occasion to celebrate the day we became us. The day we made a vow before god to apply bible principles and work together. Since the bible provides clearly defined roles for each family member, our anniversary was a time to reflect and honor the work each member contributed to our unity. It’s because of this my children have also strongly felt the sting of this day since my first husband’s death two years and five months ago. But this year is different. This year we have the loving support of our Chapter 2, my second husband. This year we discern ways that we can honor our past AND who we are now.
Yesterday on our drive home from school and work, my ten-year-old daughter asks me, “Mom, how do you feel?” Not fully understanding what she meant because I like to trick myself into believing that their father’s death is not always on their heart and mind, I respond, “Well my throat hurts because I think I caught your brother’s cold.” “Mom, I mean your emotions. About tomorrow?” “Oh, you mean the anniversary of our family? Well I feel many things. I feel sad, angry, confused, grateful, and hopeful. How about you?” “All of that too but I also feel worried. Worried that tomorrow will be weird for us and hurt Brian’s feelings.” “That, baby girl, is the duality of life post loss. Feeling the happy and the sting of hurt at the same time, while forging ahead on our journey. And I promise that as time moves forward, we will continue to feel these conflicting emotions and develop our new family traditions. We got this! It all takes time. Plus, Brian fully understands the impact of our loss. He couldn’t truly love us if he didn’t recognize all we’ve been through.”
This morning I received a text from my uber supportive sister. It read, “Happy anniversary. Do we still say that?” This text signified the immense ripple effect of grief and the confusion it causes, especially when a widow or widower has chosen to move forward in a new marriage. I would be supercilious to think that my feelings and experiences speak for all widows or widowers. However, I can express the importance of not assuming or judging the all encompassing grieving process. I can strongly attest to the precedence of allowing survivors to continue their personal journey, regardless of changes in their life or family structure. I give credit to our fiercely strong support group in our ability to intentionally work through despair. Our village continues to provide needed security, which allows us to be vulnerable enough to grieve, accept ourselves, AND accept another human into our lives, regardless of the chance of losing again.
I sign off this post with a purpose. Honoring grief honors the griever. You may not fully understand significant loss or how to support those that do. You also may not conceive how to back those that have made distinguishable changes in their life and/or moved forward post loss. The situation may appear murky to you. Trust me when I say, honor their loss. Respect the work they have done to continue on despite tribulation. Honoring a person’s grief ultimately gives regard for the griever, because grief never goes away.
