I am Autumn!
This is something I strive for others to know. I am not defined by the moments or situations in my life that people know of. I have always considered myself a work in progress and I hold true to this today. On any given day we can take the hand that we are dealt and learn from it; or become angry and bitter while staying stagnant. I am a collection of many experiences that have shaped my values and interests. I am a sum of the whole…my whole life and the future I see waiting for me.
When people ask me to tell them about myself, my first response is always: I am a mother of three. I love hearing responses to this question because it shows what someone truly values. It’s true, my children have always been and will always be my passion and focus. I remember being asked as a little girl the age old question, “What do you want to be when you grow up?” Only to be followed with my direct but honest answer, “A mom.” Being a mom has always been my dream. I will tell you that this was not something that came easily for me and this is a part of my journey that I recall with mixed emotions….sadness, doubt, fear, insecurity, happiness, excitement and perseverance. This is also when I first experienced the depth of love, self sacrifice, and commitment two humans can share. Trust me, there will be a post on this later.
I am Autumn. I am a mother, a teacher, a fitness enthusiast, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a widow, a respecter of the Bible and its promises, and a passionate soul. Notice how I slipped that in there. Part of the makeup of my experiences are the recent ones of loss and grief. While the tragic loss of my husband is fresh (nineteen weeks to be exact), and has been the largest tsunami of emotions I have experienced, I refuse to be defined by that one word…widow. I am still Autumn. I am a woman that has always had passions and interests. I have always loved people, friendships, and laughing. I have also learned to love self discovery and second chances. I am my reaction to my many experiences. I am a work in progress and I am one day closer to a life I love…a life of deeper understanding and purpose.
An eloquent testimony of your heart and soul. Absolutely beautiful and real.
I love this. And I love you. And I love how raw and honest this is. This is exactly the Autumn I know and love.
I love to read your words. There’s something about getting them out that is healing. I love that no matter what this life gives you – you handle it with such grace and strength. That has always been you. Love.
First I want to start off saying Autumn Faye … I have always looked up to u since we were hiding under grandma’s card table at Xmas when I was suppose to be sick w / r floppy puppies(pink &lite blue yarn puppies g.ma & papa got u, me & ambra) , u have always been the leader, the most strong, hard headed, reliable ,level headed compassionate I love you soo much for those qualities. I am so proud of u! U have dealt w the “hand god have u.”… and not very many of us that lose our other half/soul mate take this path..i know. . I was angry, pissed, bitter, at god, the WORLD WHEN CLAYTON DIED!!! And then even more so when mom died…let’s just say I was very self destructive!! It’s taken me 7 yrs to really start to deal w both deaths but in that amount of time I gained a lot of other minor situation if I were to just not be bitter, pissed ect.. and just excepted ” the hand that I got dealt” and not blame everyone ,everything, & anything ….I could l have enjoyed my kids , normal things,& life ,alot better.So I am sooo very proud & excited about this blog. So other ppl that go through this & take the “rd” u r on instead on the one I did ..maybe if there was sumthing like this 7 yrs ago my life would have been diffrent a little easier……” LET GO &LET GOD” LOVE YA, CUZ!
Oh, Britt. God, I love you. I remember the day I got the call about Clayton. I remember when I finally got to hear your broken voice on the phone. I recognized myself in that voice when everything happened to me. Don’t shame yourself for what you’ve done in the past. None of us do it perfectly. You may think I am, but I’m not. I’m happy to hear that you are starting to deal with both of your terrible losses. Life sometimes is just rotten. Losing your husband and mother at such a young age is not natural. I hope that by sharing my thoughts I can help myself, help my children, but primarily help someone else. I also hope to take away some of the stigma of grief and loss. I want people to know that my kids and I are not on display for their viewing and judgement. We’re people! The same ones we were before. We’re just a little wounded. I love you too and I want you to know that you have great things to offer yourself, your children, and a partner. Focus on those. If you ever need reassurance just remember that he chose you. The man that you love and admired chose you. That says something.
Thank you so much! I would love to be able to write more often. Sadly the life of a single, full-time working mother doesn’t provide as much time as I’d like. I am working on something though.
I’m a little more informed than I’d like to be. Thank you for reading!